COMING OUT

I write this from a very new space, I am a mother of 3, with an older bonus child. I am a lesbian also. But this lesbian is newly separated and learning who I am as a mother and woman again. I’ve only been ‘out’ since 2016, and had literally 8 weeks between coming out and meeting my now wife. I’m in the processing and evolving stage, having realised that I’ve been in relationships for 21 of my 38 years of life. 

Although I identify as lesbian, and am proud of that identity, my heart and soul is in motherhood. I don’t yet know what it fully means to be a ‘lesbian mother’, as I’m still sailing my ship on those ever changing waters. What I do know, is that there is a need for a space for us. A space that says “I’m here, I’m lesbian and I’m a Mum”. As a newly single Mum, I find myself asking where the other newly single lesbian Mum’s are? What’s their experience? And how do we grow that village we know we have? We are many in number, but hidden in plain sight. What about our babies? 

My children that have known a father for 13 years, lost a father, gained a Step-Mother and lost her in the space of 5 years? The added bonus of two female forms in one home, so many unspoken tasks simply met because we are both female, now just back to me, but my strength surprises me. 

If you’d have asked me three weeks ago, what I wrote then would look completely different to what I write now,but let me share some of my life with you. 

I have always been awkward around men. From an early age, when all my friends in secondary school were busy pining after the cutest boy in the classroom , I was chilling with the ‘man dem’.

My best-friend is a boy. He had plenty of attractive friends, but I just could not see the fuss that was made about them by girls.

I tried to copy my friends when they got boyfriends, but I was always very uncomfortable and as a result I did not end up in many relationships. I didn’t yet know that sexuality was a thing to be discovered and so I just followed the trend. What I’ve learned now is to question everything you think you know and then question who you are regularly. 

I grew up in a strict Christian household, and with a strong family value of marrying, having children before 30 and staying in your relationship long term. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents were married for almost 100 years combined and so I felt compelled to follow suit. Almost everyone in my family was married.

My first relationship lasted 3 years and I had my first born. I was never really attracted to his body, more his personality.

After we split, I was celibate for 2 years and was actually quite happy. I did not yearn for a man, and felt that something was wrong with me. At that time, I worked in the NHS and so I constantly analysed whether I had a mental illness because I wasn’t really attracted to men. I didn’t date, and was so confused when my friends would say nice things about guys on the street and how handsome they were.

My family still wanted me to have stability, so I met and married (and had my 2nd child with) someone in the space of 9 months. That marriage lasted 13 years. He was a simple guy, who loved his kids. We lived like friends rather than a couple. Our huge hidden secret was that I did not want him physically no matter how hard he tried. Something just wasn’t clicking. His ‘ sex’ was just fine, so clearly he wasn’t the issue. We functioned as a ‘normal couple’. We had good jobs, beautiful children, and a nice house. I went on to have a third child with him, all the while wondering just why I wasn’t that ‘in to him’.

He was everything that I thought I wanted, tall, dark, non-British, hardworking, but deep down he was just my good friend. We never spoke about it, and we threw ourselves into church life. I thought church would solve my problems, that somehow I would reignite my love for a man. But it never happened.

The qualities that I wanted in a partner he didn’t have. One day he even exclaimed that I should be with a woman. He must have known something I didn’t.

After 13 years, my now ex husband had an affair, solely based on our lack of intimacy. It was the wake up call I needed. Although I was initially deeply betrayed, I felt a huge sense of relief. I felt guilty that he was gone, I didn’t even really know what I was feeling but I felt happier.

I wondered if truly I was just meant to be on my own. Something I’m now contemplating again since the breakdown of my 2nd marriage. Maybe I’m just destined to be the absolute best mother I can be, a ‘career’ I’ve dedicated my whole life to, and as a result raised three beautiful souls who cherish and honour each other and me.

I’ve always raised my children to love and accept all. Even growing up, my kids would be the one to make friends with the disabled child or the one that was bullied. So accepting a female as a new mother was easy for them, and they did me proud. 

Introducing a new man to my family would have been more complex. It feels harder to integrate a man into my family than a woman. My family are more trusting of women, and we women lead in my family. It may seem like a sexist statement but this is my reality, one that many others have probably experienced. 

The space I am occupying now is different and still raw, and so I choose not to write about my wife in detail, maybe how I would have done. What I will say is that being with a woman offers far more than being with a man, in my experience. 

I’ve improved overall in how I look and feel about myself. Being with a woman means that she can truly see when something compliments my shape and not just the usual ‘you look nice’ that I’d get when I was married to a man. A woman can also  help with washing and styling hair for example, and household duties are shared.

Because a woman inherently thinks the same and keeps house the same, there’s no potential for gender imbalance in the home although this may not be the case for all same sex relationships. We don’t have the ‘man takes out the rubbish’ and ‘woman cooks’ societal ‘norms’ either.

Sexually, with a woman it is a connection, and with a man a transaction. I’m sure there are many great male lovers out there, but they’ll never be able to know how a woman feels when touched as they aren’t one. It’s just a deeper, more intense moment. 

I end my words here, as I sit in this current situation I find myself in. Do I have any regrets about marrying a woman? no. I choose to focus on the present, what is to come, in peace, truth and forgiveness. We need to do this more, all women, gay or straight. Let’s develop that safe space and help each other grow. 

Peace, Love, Light. 

Pia